Looking back…

2011…what a year it has been. I never expected I’d be where I am today. But I honestly couldn’t be happier.

My dearest aaji – my grandma or Miss Marple as I fondly call her, suffered from acute bronchitis illness in the middle of the year. I wasn’t with her at that time. She had recovered well when I went to Mumbai and we spent a few weeks laughing, chatting and even dancing until early one morning when she fell down and broke her hip bone. She was hospitalised for almost a week and when we brought her home she was very weak. This was such a shock. I have never seen her so weak and frail. She had always been my pillar of strength and she was always there. To see her lying in the bed and being dependent on others for even a glass of water was very unsettling. However, she is recovering well now and is looking forward to our visit to India next year.

Other losses are trivial compared to my aaji’s weak health. The first year of my life spent jobless. I did absolutely nothing productive except looking after my son and monitoring his progress.

Real friends are still around and have been by my side.  Books, books and more books. I have read more books than ever in this year. I hope to read many more in 2012. Hopefully the library will grow its collection.

This year has also given me more than my fair share of amazing moments, great memories, lots of laughs, love, and friendship. It might also be one of the best years I’ve had when it comes to personal growth, finding out who I am, where I am going, and who I want to be. I still have those moments when I falter, when I let things get under my skin and turn into someone I am not proud of momentarily, but in general I am proud of the way I live my life.

I have missed my family and friends but I have an amazing family and friends in my life. I often take them for granted. The long distance relationship with my family has in fact made me realise how much I value them all and how important they are to me. They are a part of who I am and how I have made it through everything in my life. I wouldn’t be who I am without these people.

My parents have been supportive, kind, and caring. and yes they often drive me nuts, but they love me and are there for me when I need them. My brother got married this year to the love of his life and I haven’t seen him happier. My brother is a true role model although he probably doesn’t even realize it. He sets goals and he reaches them. He follows his heart over money. He knows what he wants to do in life and he does it.

My hubby has been a source of strength and support throughout this year. He has patiently heard me out through my vents, anger and other passionate outbursts regarding my job, family, friends and every other thing that I crib about. Anyone else would have given up by now but not him. He has amazing patience and will power and he sure does listen. He is a great listener.

And my son – who has taught me so much about love & life. He is my sunshine on a cloudy day. He sure knows how to put a smile on my face. This year his vocabulary has increased tenfold and so have his questions. Most of the evenings, hubby and I find ourselves laughing silly to all his talks, questions and anecdotes.

Looking back on the good times, the lessons, the hurdles, and thankful for how I got to be where I am.

I can’t wait to see what 2012 will bring.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and a Happy New Year to you and yours!

Just like that…

Well I don’t have anything to write about. Few topics come to my mind but just bounce off. Maybe it’s the weather, the Seasonal Affective Disorder has struck again. Sudden drop in the temperature has had an adverse effect on my body, what with the running nose and constant sneezing, no,brandy is not helping. And it has struck my mood as always. I think even the mind is frozen with no stream of thought holding through.

Anyway, last weekend was fun. Been to hubby’s cousin’s place. Fish and fish-eating it was. It was a treat for us since we got to have fish after 3 months. And boy did we enjoy.

Today is the birthday of a very close friend of mine and I can’t remember the last time we celebrated it together. Must be around 5 to 6 years back before she got married. Marriage does this to friends specially girls – you don’t get to spend as much time together as you want to. Am missing her and what I would give to have those fun-filled days back!

Before I stop, the kiddo is growing beautifully and has taken a liking to music – songs really and he also has his favourites, well that’s for another post now.

The silent friends

One of the features that distinguishes my close friends from good friends is our ability to be comfortable with each other, even without having to think about it. It’s the ability to be anywhere, doing anything and still being the same when we are not doing anything. Confusing? This is important because this means that I have reached that next level of friendship with my closest friends – the silent friendship.

Such a friendship is an indication that we are so comfortable in each others company, or even when we are apart, that we no longer feel the need to fill any kind of void. In this friendship, I don’t need to talk to the person or interact in any way. We can just be comfortable, and happy, being in the same room together and enjoying each other’s company. I have spent some wonderful times with my silent friends. On the top of mountains, in restaurants, parks, corridors, just being around them in our homes.

These friendships don’t come along often and you could hardly have even five people with whom you can be so comfortable with. It doesn’t mean that I spend the entire time not saying anything but just that we are comfortable enough that we can be silent when we need to.

It’s not like you are silent because you have nothing left to talk about anymore. But sometimes it’s the silence that is fulfilling and more satisfying than having a conversation. The deepest of feelings can be communicated in such a silence – be it pain, happiness, love, compassion, anger, empathy. It’s the joy in knowing that the other person understands even when you don’t say a single word. Although it’s less fun, this silence means more and leaves us with a feeling of fulfillment and completeness.

On Relationships

Some long time back, I was talking with my best friend from school over the phone. Soon after the hi-hellos, we fell back to our routine conversations about life in general and started updating each other about the latest happenings. She was going through her last couple of months of pregnancy and I was preparing myself for marriage. Both of us being highly emotional at this point, naturally, the conversation turned to topics like, love, trust, honesty, and emotions. She then made a statement that struck me. She said, “I think trust and love are just illusions.” I asked her, “Why do you say that?” She said, “Yea, don’t you think? You say you trust someone and believe in them. But just when they hurt you, you feel they don’t care enough and they don’t bother. Then where is that trust that you had in them? So, trust is an illusion.”  Hmmm, now that got me thinking.

Why does it so happen? At one moment you are so believing and trusting in someone and then one false move and you put that person into your black list. Why is it so, that we find it easy to believe the negative and hard to put faith in the positive? We find it very difficult to convince ourselves that the picture that is presented to us is fishy. We come up with our own negative theory and look at the whole picture with suspicion and try to fit it into our own negative theory. 

Well, this is just one theory. This may not be the case with everyone you meet, but for me, few people that I came across, did fall into this vicious cycle of my mind. Once this cycle starts, it is very difficult to break it and come out of it. Even if you try it once, giving the person the benefit of doubt and bang he or she comes back and hurts you more. And then it becomes difficult to see any positive side of that person anymore. This is how you interpret a person build up an image about him.

Few days back, I was watching a programme on National Geographic channel. It was about how men and women choose their life partners. The researcher said that women built relationships based on their memories. Most of the times, we girls just pick up the phone and narrate an entire situation to someone and then say, that is what he or she did and so that is how it must be. I think this is especially true with how women build relationships. We replay episodes or situations in our mind and analyse how each person made us “feel” during that entire experience. That memory or that feel stays in our mind and a particular part of the incidence “stays” with us. So then the next time you interact with that person, you get back that particular feeling instantly and it either puts you on guard or relaxes you depending on that sentiment.

This has happened with me many times, what about you?

Relationships

When do you say a relationship is over? I am talking of the ones that are close and cherished.

Is it when you part ways and never see each other again? Or is it when you stop talking with each other? Is it when you have unresolved issues yet you decide not to speak out from anger, hurt and insult? Does a relationship get over when you don’t talk with each other though you expect to speak sooner or later all the while fuming over what happened in the past? When is a relationship truly over? What signifies the end? And what exactly do you mean by an end?

I think its the switch in the mind. The end is when you grow indifferent to each other. The matters of the other don’t affect you anymore and when you are not intimately interested in each others affairs. Try as you may to stay unconcerned and uncaring, a small interaction does influence you and the past memories come crowding back. It is a bitter-sweet moment. It is when you smile back at those moments and times you shared together which bring all the more joy when inspected in retrospect. All the incidences good bad equally bring out the same emotions. You get emotional and weary. They totally drain you out of emotional energy.

At times like these, you wish you had created more such memories, had more such moments to cherish and keep safe in your heart. Memories are the only thing that doesn’t change when everything else has changed. You can all the more find more pleasure in memories than while in that actual moment.

Would you be friends with yourself?

As my routine, I was browsing through some of my favourite websites and blogs where I read the following question:

What you be friends with yourself?

Without a fraction of a second, my mind and heart unanimously answered, “Hell, No!”

Here are a few reasons why I would not be friends with myself:

1. I am blind to my own faults. I cannot stand someone who thinks he or she is perfect.

2. I don’t want my friends thinking they know me better than I know myself. I’m positive I’m as good a psychologist as anyone with formal training. I would want my friends to just listen to me sometimes and not provide unasked advice.

3. I suck at knowing what to do when my friends are sick or sobbing on the other end of the phone. I also suck at remembering birthdays. I want my birthday remembered and someone to know how to make the sobbing stop.

4. I cannot lie, so I don’t want to be with someone who would tell me that things are going to be worse than now. I don’t want anyone who would tell me the most bitter truth to my face.

5. I don’t want to be friends with anyone as funny as I am. I might be jealous.

6. I don’t have the gift of hospitality. I would be hurt if I never got invited to at my house.

7. I don’t like whiners who wash their dirty linen in public.

8. I don’t want to worry that my friends are going to write about me and post it on a Web site for all the world to see.

9. I know what goes on inside my head that never comes out of my mouth or gets typed on a keyboard. I don’t want friends that are crazy, neurotic or self-righteous.

10. I don’t want to be friends with people who are cowards and who get easily affected by circumstances and recoil after facing minor disappointments. I want to be friends with people who are original, genuine and who know themselves well.

I guess after reviewing this list, it’s not really another story after all as to why I have so few friends. However, to the friends I have, thank you for your tolerance. I’d be very lonely without you sharing your lives with me.

Baby Delights

I couldn’t post yesterday because well I was busy…resting at home and spending time with me best friend from school. She had come down to her mother’s place before traveling to UK for a year with her husband. I don’t know when I’ll be meeting her next.

I had decided to visit her and then go to office. But she and her mom didn’t let me go. I ended up spending the entire day with her and her small baby. It was so very relaxing. Spending time with the baby reminded me of all the simple things in life that we forget to enjoy after growing up:

• Getting baffled after looking at yourself in the mirror
• Having small meals at regular intervals
• Enjoying a nice meal
• Taking a nap after a meal
• Playing with anything you can get your hands on
• Smiling often
• Loving without ego
• Letting others know you need help
• Asking for a hug
• Being curious.. about everything
• Expressing freely without fear

Best Friends

I just had a long bitter conversation with my best friend. Best friend…well it is just for namesake. It doesn’t mean anything now.. at least not to him. We were the best of friends once, the kind who can read each other’s mind, read each other’s thoughts even without having to say them. We both had thought that this friendship would never cease. It would be eternal. It would be maintained and nourished and would grow better and healthier by the day.

But as all good things come to an end, this was marred too. Now what is left is hurt, resentment, bitterness, animosity and sourness. We talk only to bring up past incidents, say words to each other that are untrue and meant to hurt. Why does it happen? You invest and cultivate a relationship and it perishes to soil. You cannot even smell the sweet fragrance that it once had.

You try so hard to re-create those memories and restore your relation but it keeps getting repulsive. You just get dragged or drag the other person into it. What do you do then?

Every time I get hurt, angry or sad by something or someone, I have a good cry. I believe it cleanses us of the resentment, hurt and negative emotions. I feel very light and it allows me to let go of things. I never cried after this friendship broke. Somewhere deep inside me, I don’t want to let go of this friend. I don’t want to let go of all those memories and be indifferent to them in any way.

Mujhe yeh dar hai ki teri aarazoo na mit jaaye..
Bahut deeno se tabiyat meri udaas nahi..