I am back to work after five months. Not much has changed including the fact that I don’t have any work. I am into a project but my role isn’t defined. Even the client has no idea what I am supposed to do or what they want from me. This project is different from my field and if I do get to work in it, then it won’t be my usual tasks and activities. I do not really want this but then I don’t have an option.
Sitting idle all day is getting very difficult since I haven’t done it in a long time and now with the baby along, I am used to having my hands full. It’s a big bore and a mental and physical drain since I miss my baby all day as is obvious. I cannot stay back home and wait till my work starts, I need to be present in the office in front of my machine incase anyone contacts me.
The only motivation to come to the office is the canteen. I never thought I would be saying this but I keep looking forward for lunch break and snacks break since I arrive in the morning.
My MIL assures me that my son is doing well without me and that he doesn’t trouble much and eats and sleeps well. He is doing well, but not me. Missing him is terrible and the real delight is to experience the toothless smile and the flapping of hands when he sees me on returning home. I wonder whether a five month old is capable of missing his mother and feeling sad, whether that emotion is developed in him. Still, am satisfied to see him smiling when he sees me.
In the past couple of weeks, I have seen a tremendous growth in him. He has started rolling over like a spring. The moment I put him on his back, the next moment I find him on his stomach with his head held high like that of a snake. He also claps his hands and if given rattles, he bangs them together to create a clatter.Just yesterday, when he couldnt find the rattles, he held both his feet in his hands and slammed them together but unfortunately that didn’t make any noise and he soon lost interest in it.
He needs his space and takes his own sweet time to mix with people. He is social only with select people he knows. However he will make an exception and will come to you if you are to carry him around and show him new things specially the greenery. As I said, he is a nature lover. Trees are his favourite. He howls and cries in his sleep which puts me on a high alert and am up and awake to rock him and put him back to sleep only to find him fast asleep. Gargling and purring are his signs when he has had enough food. He will gargle and eventually spit out when he is full and that’s his way of telling you to stop. But he will not stop crying and bringing down the house when he’s hungry and won’t stop till mommy puts the feeding appendage into his mouth. He is such a sweet kid, that he doesn’t much like th tonics that I give him; the displeasure is clearly written on his face, however he gulps it down and never throws up. His antics are very pleasing and funny at the same time specially when he tries to crawl ahead by putting his head down and pushing forward. He doesn’t have much patience for he starts yelling after a few failed attempts at his task.
I never imagined myself to be a working mother for I myself hated it when my mother used to go to office when I was a kid. I always imagined to be a at-home mom available for my child who almost wouldn’t do without me. But then God smirked and Destiny happened. Finding a work-home balance is a tough task and I am realising that by each passing, I would rather opt to see my son growing than to work for people whose faces I haven’t seen. Thirty forty years from now, I won’t recall how I grabbed a project with a successful client call or on which day I received an appreciation mail from the client, I would most definitely remember the first time my son smiled at me, the first time he rolled over, his first words. The time spent idly with loved ones builds better relationships and makes for best memories.